


Introspection (or how is gender so difficult)

by RankPup8



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Butch - Freeform, Gen, Human AU, Nonbinary Ruby, Nudity, Ruby is Mexican, gender introspection, guess this is part of my human AU for which i rarely write anything, i guess, she's taking a shower so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 16:09:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11360919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RankPup8/pseuds/RankPup8
Summary: Ruby thinks a lot, maybe too much.--A short fic about figuring yourself out feat. human!Ruby





	Introspection (or how is gender so difficult)

Saturday night. After a long day of doing nothing but watch videos on YouTube and wait for dinner, Ruby finally decided it was time to shower and go to sleep. Or rather, the usual have an identity crisis while showering and trying to sleep. She took her clothes off and went to the bathroom.

There was always a buzzing thought in the back of her mind. A single idea that kept returning to her whenever she was idle. That of gender.

For Ruby, gender was a hassle. Sometimes thinking about it meant nothing but worry and mulling over the same two ideas again and again until hours passed and she had to give it up without a single answer to her question. Sometimes she even researched things to try and find some guide that could help her figure herself out, but she always ended up the same, often with more questions than before. But that didn’t stop her from trying again the day after.

She had a couple of minutes ‘till the water became warm enough to shower, so she undressed and started pacing around the small bathroom. She considered questioning herself once more, though she knew the interrogation would do nothing but make her feel bad about herself. But she had to figure something out and thirty minutes before she had to go to sleep, so she dived in her thoughts.

Ruby stopped walking in front of the mirror and stared at her reflection, like she had done almost every night for the past year.

(Year! it’s been a year and she couldn’t figure anything out! Dammit.)

She was short but bulky, she imagined her body kind of resembled a square. Her hair did at least, especially when she wore her head band. She had large hands and small breasts. Ruby considered herself masculine, that was one of the things she was completely sure about. She thought that every part of her body reflected that, even her shortness, the shape of her face, her breasts and high voice, that never really bothered her. She was a masculine person.

Person. She was a person.

A man? A woman?

She tried telling herself that.

_I am a man. I am a woman. Man. Woman._

They both sounded wrong somehow. She wasn’t a man, of that she was sure of. But…

_I am a woman._

That was… odd, somehow. Not unpleasant, exactly, but maybe incorrect.

In some of her late night personal interrogations, Ruby had figured out that the language she used affected the way she reacted. She was born in Mexico, Spanish was her native tongue. Even though she used English every day, talked to people in English and even thought in the language, it was still foreign. Distant. That was why she only cursed in English, in Spanish it felt more real and vulgar, like actual bad words.

So, she tried using Spanish during her introspection.

_Soy una mujer._

_…_

_Oh, god._

That was bad, really bad. It felt so fake. _Mujer_. What the fuck? How can it be so different? Why was it so different?

_Ruby, ella es una mujer. _

OK, no, that’s even worse. 

_¿Qué significa ser una mujer?_ _What does it mean to be a woman?_

That was the key. If she knew what it meant to be a gender she could figure herself out.

But she didn’t know.

The room was full of steam, the water was ready. Ruby sighed and got in the shower. She started to bathe herself and continued thinking.

One of her biggest fears was that she was so affected by her culture, by the society she was born into, that it made her biased. That was the problem. When she thought of _hombres y mujeres,_ two distinct and stereotypical pictures appeared in her mind: a tall, masculine, bare chested, strong man, and a shorter, thinner, feminine, long-haired woman.

And she wasn’t either. And definitely didn’t want to be the second.

That was all wrong, and Ruby knew it. Men and women aren’t this caricatures she imagined. And yet…

She tried picturing people that she knew were real and not these stereotypes. She didn’t know a lot of men, but there was Greg. He was a man and nothing like what she imagined. Ok, there’s that. And women… Bismuth! Bismuth was not thin, weak and feminine, she took care of herself and those around her, she was emotional but also strong, maybe even masculine. Ruby was a lot like Bismuth and Bismuth was a woman. 

So, was Ruby a woman then? She could identify with one…

But… There was something missing.

Fuck.

This is what she meant. Just thinking and overthinking until it seemed she arrived to an answer and then… no.

Because she. Didn’t. Feel. Right.

Was she just secretly misogynistic? What had Rose called it… internalized misogyny?

But she didn’t think women were weak! On the contrary, as far as Ruby is aware, women are probably the strongest people on the planet. Able to do anything! And she loved women! And not only in a gay way.

But when _she_ thought of _herself_ as a woman, she felt weak. And what’s more, when she thought _other people_ considered her a woman she felt very uncomfortable.

Ruby turned off the faucet, she had finished showering. She dried and dressed herself, and went to her room. Once she closed the door behind her she fell on her bed and stared at the ceiling.

A few days ago, Ruby had gone out to a party, the kind where she couldn’t wear her usual t-shirt and pants combo. It had been months since she last had to wear her nice polo and jeans, or brushed her hair and left her house without wearing a head band.

It was horrible. She arrived at the place, which was full of people she didn’t know, and she felt so… uncomfortable. Bad. Anxious? Maybe. It wasn’t good at all, that’s for sure. The clothes fitted her fine, they were her size and everything, but she hated the way she looked so much. And the people around her, they greeted her in the way reserved only for women, taking her hand and kissing her cheek. She had to watch as men shook hands and laughed while she was awkwardly pretending to kiss back the people she didn’t know. And a single thought appeared in her mind: _they all think of me as a woman._ And things got worse. That night was hell, and it continued even when she arrived home and took off her clothes. There was a feeling in her stomach she could not shake, no matter what she tried. She felt like cutting off all her hair and never wearing a bra again.

In the end, she just tied her hair to make it look like it was short and slept shirtless. The morning was better, though she wore her snapback all day even though she was alone in her house.

It was the first time she had ever felt so strongly about her gender in public or the way people see her. Usually she could ignore everyone else and be fine, but that night… she didn’t know what to think.

Ruby knew a little about trans people, she had done a little research. And while looking for answers she found a word: “dysphoria”. But she felt fine about her body, she didn’t hate it or wished she could change it. Well, she wouldn’t give up the opportunity to ever own a binder, but she felt fine enough with her chest as it was. She wasn’t dysphoric, that was a serious thing that she did not have. It wasn’t her body, just her image.

Does that make sense?

She also heard of gender _euphoria._ The contrary, in which “trying out” another gender felt good, much better than one’s own. She had felt that, especially when she didn’t use female pronouns in Spanish.

But still. She wasn’t transgender. Nonbinary? Maybe? Or just cis and masculine? What’s the difference?

Another dead end.

What was she supposed to do?

_Ok. Ok, ok, ok, you know what? Fuck it, fuck gender and thinking about it, it’s… 2:00 am! Just go to sleep already!_

She could have another identity crisis tomorrow. Or later today. That was enough for one night.

She closed her eyes and tried to sleep. It was going to take a while. _Just, don’t think anything._

And she didn’t.

**Author's Note:**

> eh, yeah, gender is bullshit and I cope by projecting myself into my favorite characters. Whatever.  
> Hope you liked it...
> 
> [also on tumblr @ rankpup8m.tumblr.com]


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